is your mom at the bar?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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