You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
do nipples grow back?
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