And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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