I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
