You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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