I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
