I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
