Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
