Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
