If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
