do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
