we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
