i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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