wanna go halves on a baby?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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