you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
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