I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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