Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
