My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
