She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
