and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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