I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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