If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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