I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
