I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
