dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
