I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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