I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
