My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
