I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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