i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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