my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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