My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
