Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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