Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
