Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
