Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
