Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
