Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
