We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
