i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
