True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
