I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
