He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
and you fell through a lawn chair
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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