i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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