If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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