worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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