I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My vagina just recognized that song.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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