I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
