Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
