wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
