This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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