I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
