I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
